MAL: I'd do this for free.
ZOE: Can I have your half?
MAL: No.
ZOE: If you die, can I have your half?
MAL: Yes.

MAL: Was it monkeys?

JAYNE: I was aiming for his head.

102 - Bushwhacked

WASH: Oh, gawd! What could it be? We're doomed! Who's flyin' this thing? Oh. Right. That'd be me. Back to work.

MAL: Wash, you have a stroke or something?

JAYNE: I think that fellow we ran into did everyone on board, killed them all, then decided to take a swim through space, see how fast his blood would boil out of his ears.
WASH: You're a very "up" person.

ZOE: Not now, dear.

JAYNE: Looked bigger when I couldn't see him.

BOOK: So he'll live then.
MAL: Which to my mind is unfortunate.

MAL: Reavers might take issue with that philosophy. If they had a philosophy. If they weren't too busy gnawing on your insides.

MAL: Reavers ain't men. Or they forgot how to be. Now they're just nothing. They got out to the edge of the galaxy, to that place of nothing, and that's what they became.

ZOE: Jayne, you'll scare the women.

MAL: It's a real burden being right so often.

MAL: Looks like civilization finally caught up with us.

MAL: If I didn't know better, I'd think we were dangerous.

ZOE: Captain was looking for a pilot. I found a husband. Seemed to work out.

HARKEN: You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?
ZOE: Fought with a lot of people in the war.
HARKEN: And your husband?
ZOE: Fight with him sometimes, too.

WASH: The legs. Oh yeah, definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down. Her legs, and where her legs meet her back. Actually, that whole area. That, and above it.

WASH: Have you ever been with a warrior woman?

103 - Our Mrs. Reynolds

JAYNE: See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.

MAL: I swear by my pretty flowered bonnet, I will end you.

MAL: Like woman, I'm a mystery.

MAL: Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back!

BOOK: If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

ZOE: Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?

JAYNE: It is my very favorite gun.

MAL: She has a name.
JAYNE: So does this. I call it Vera.

MAL: Well my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.

WASH: Baby geese. Goslings. They were juggled.

WASH: Is there anything else on your mind that I should know about? There are all kinds of twists and cul de sacs. It's wild!

MAL: Whoa! Hey! Flesh...

MAL: Whoa, good Bible.

MAL: It's been a while -- a long damn while -- since anybody but me took ahold of my plow.

MAL: Why... is there blubber?

SAFFRON: I swell to think of you in me. And I see that you do, too.

WASH: Some people juggle geese!

WASH: Do I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not... married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinkie!

JAYNE: That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.

MAL: But she was naked! And all... articulate!

WASH: Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here.

JAYNE: See, Vera? Dress yourself up; you get taken out somewhere fun.

104 - Jaynestown

KAYLEE: Bye now. Have good sex.

SIMON: All right. Fine. I'll go. Just stop describing me.

WASH: Who is this diabolical master of disguise?

SIMON: This must be what going mad feels like.

JAYNE: Instead of us hanging around playing art critic till I get pinched by the Man, how's about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day?

RIVER: Bible's broken.

WASH: We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm the hero!

SIMON: I reattached a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.

SIMON: To Jayne! The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.

RIVER: They say the snow on the roof was too heavy. They say the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger.

ZOE: What? You been drinking, husband.

JAYNE: The living legend needs eggs.

MAL: Let's go get our wayward babes.

RIVER: Just keep walking, preacher-man.

MAL: It's my estimation that every man ever got a statue made of him, was one kind of sumbitch or another.

105 - Out of Gas

MAL: You are very much lacking in imagination.

ZOE:Get her running again?
MAL: Yeah.
ZOE: So not running now?
MAL: Not so much.

WASH: What was natty? I want to hear about the natty thing.

WASH: Monastic humor. I miss out on all the fun.

JAYNE: Yeah, 'cos sick people are hi-larious.

RIVER: "Day" is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable.

KAYLEE: Come on, Doc. Give a good blow.

MAL: I need that in Captain Dummy-Talk.

SIMON: It was my birthday.

WASH: I guess the news that we're all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me little snippy.

WASH: Right. Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die.

MAL: Everybody dies alone.

MAL: Well. Looks can be deceiving.
JAYNE: Not as deceiving as a low down dirty... deceiver.

MAL: Offering to shoot us might not work so well as an incentive as you might imagine.

MAL: I mean, let's say you did kill us. Or didn't. There could be torture. Whatever.

MAL: Zoe, I'm paying you too much.

MAL: You all gonna be here when I wake up?

106 - Shindig

SIGN: "MANAGEMENT NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BALL FAILURE"

INARA: As with other situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back.

ZOE: Planet's coming up a mite fast.
WASH: That's just cause, I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.
MAL: Well, that happens, let me know.

WASH: You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?

ZOE: I can hurt you.

BADGER: You think you're better than other people.
MAL: Just the ones I'm better than.

BADGER: 'Course you couldn't buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle, but I got my hands on a couple.

KAYLEE: Yes, sir, Captain Tightpants.

MAL: He's supposed to be old, kinda stocky, wears a red sash crossways.
KAYLEE: Why does he do that?
MAL: Maybe he won the Miss Persephone Pageant.

WASH: Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now she's all corpsified and gross...

KAYLEE: Up until the punching, it was a real nice party.

MAL: I never back down from a fight.
INARA: Yes, you do! You do all the time!

JAYNE: I could get naked.

RIVER: Sure, I got a secret. More than one. Don't seem likely I'd tell 'em to you now, do it? Anyone off Dyton Colony knows better than to talk to strangers. You're talking loud enough for the both of us though, ain'tcha? I've known a dozen like you. Skipped off home early, running graft jobs here and there. Spent some time in the lock down, but less than you claim. And you're what? Petty thief with delusions of standing? Sad, little king of a sad, little hill.

INARA: How did I avoid that?
MAL: By being fast like a freak?

MAL: Sure, it's humiliating. Having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. Guess I'm just a good man. Well, I'm all right.

MAL: See how I'm not punching him? I think I've grown.

INARA: It wasn't entirely a disaster.
MAL: I got stabbed! Right here!

107 - Safe

YOUNG RIVER: We need to resort to cannibalism.

MAL: So, she's added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy.

RIVER: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.

MAL: See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with.

JAYNE: 'Bout time you broke in them pretty shoes.

JAYNE: I like smackin' 'em.

ZOE: Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller.
WASH: Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles.

RIVER: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see the sky and they remember what they are.

SIMON: I'm very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your cunningly concealed herd of cows.

KAYLEE: You just wanna take a bite out of him all over, you know?

MAL: This is the last time. Last time with cows. Hear there was an idea regarding beagles? They have smallish droppings?
ZOE: I believe so, sir. Also, your disreputable men are here.

BOOK: Afraid I might be needing a preacher.
MAL: That's good. You lie there and be ironical.

ZOE: Knew a man whole had a hole clean through his whole shoulder, once. Used to keep a spare hankie in there.

JAYNE: "Dear Diary, Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."

ZOE: Possibly you're not recalling some of his previous plans.

ZOE: You sanguine about the kind of reception we're up to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap?
MAL: Absolutely. What's "sanguine" mean?

JAYNE: This place gives me an uncomfortableness.

RIVER: I get confused. I remember everything. I remember too much, and... some of it's made up, and... some of it can't be quantified, and... there's secrets.

RIVER: You gave up everything you had to find me. And you found me broken.

SIMON: It's been a big day, what with the abduction, and all.

MAL: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
ZOE: Big damn heroes, sir.

MAL: Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin' folk is near miraculous.
SIMON: Yes, I'm very proud.

MAL: Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.

MAL: So then Shepherd says to a Companion, "Well, a good goat would do that."

108 - Ariel

JAYNE: Smells like crotch.

WASH: Can I use companion as a verb?

SIMON: Could you not do that while we're... ever?

RIVER: He looks better in red.

MAL: The patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn't bring them back.

MAL: Pupils were fixed and dilapidated --
SIMON: Dilated.

JAYNE: If I had wanted schooling, I'da gone to school.

SIMON: For this to work, River and I will have to be dead.
JAYNE: Huh. I'm starting to like this plan.

MAL: Look, you got a little stabbed the other day. That's bound to make anyone a mite ornery.

JAYNE: Maybe I'll give him a tattoo while he's out.

RIVER: Your toes are in the sand.

ZOE: Can we fly somewhere with a beach?
WASH: Maybe a naked beach?
ZOE: Ooh.

ZOE: Sorry, sir. Didn't mean to enjoy the moment.

JAYNE: You stop flapping that pretty mouth at me.

MAL: Just once I'd like things to go according to the gorram plan.

RIVER: Two by two. Gloves of blue. Two by two.

JAYNE: Make something up. Don't tell 'em what I did.

109 - War Stories

BOOK: Yes, I'd forgotten you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?
SIMON: No. But I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist.

MAL: Ah, the pitter patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots.

WASH: And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree into a magical land with unicorns and a harp.

JAYNE: Grenades cost extra.

ZOE: Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?
WASH: You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lambie-toes.

WASH: I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it.

SIMON: You are my beautiful sister.
RIVER: I threw up on your bed.
SIMON: Yep. Definitely my sister.

JAYNE: I'll be in my bunk.

WASH: I can't stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure.

WASH: Hey, I've been in a firefight before! Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity.

WASH: Now I'm learning about scary.

WASH: I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's happening, then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and... possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back with the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now, what do I do?
MAL: Probably not talk quite so much.

WASH: Once in flight school, I was laconic.

WASH: I mean, I'm the one she swore to love, honor and obey.
MAL: Listen... She swore to obey?

WASH: You she obeys! She obeys you! There's obeying going on right under my nose!

JAYNE: Could be he's harboring some resentment at us for putting his man through our engine.

WASH: Bastard's not gonna get days.

SIMON: Well, it's a clean cut. With the right equipment, I should be able to reattach it. That's assuming there's a head.

MAL: We're starting a book club?

WASH: Grenades?
ZOE: Oh, yes. Thank you, dear.

ZOE: Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
BOOK: Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.

NISKA: You died, Mr. Reynolds.
MAL: Seemed like the thing to do.

JAYNE: Smellin' a lot of "if" comin' off this plan.

ZOE: Okay, people... If it moves, shoot it.
KAYLEE: Unless it's the Captain!
ZOE: Unless it's the Captain.

MAL: You want to meet the real me now?

RIVER: No power in the 'verse can stop me.

MAL: Haven't you killed me enough for one day?

ZOE: This is something the Captain has to do for himself.
MAL: No! No, it's not!

WASH: Mmm. Wife soup.

MAL: I know it's a difficult mission... but you and I... have to get it on.

ZOE: Take me, sir. Take me hard.

110 - Objects in Space

SIMON: This is a morality tale about the evils of sake.

JAYNE: You mean like masturbating?

JAYNE: You made that sound kinda ominous.

RIVER: It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think.

MAL: This here's a recipe for unpleasantness.

MAL: We're deep in space, corner of No and Where.

WASH: Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next?
ZOE: Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up.
WASH: I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all die from it.

JAYNE: Anybody remember her comin' at me with a butcher's knife?
WASH: Wacky fun.

JAYNE: You wanna go, little man?
WASH: Only if it's someplace with candlelight.

JAYNE: She killed 'em with mathematics. What else could it have been?

JAYNE: Later on you can explain to me how that's a comfort. Might have to use some of that "math" we've been hearin' about.

WASH: Yes, Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with the beast.
JAYNE: She's in Congress?
WASH: How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious.

WASH: Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.
ZOE: We live in a space ship, dear.
WASH: So?

JAYNE: Yeah, and if wishes were horses, we'd all be eatin' steak.

SIMON: I have to go check on my assassin.

SIMON: ... I thought the hospital was home. I was really making a difference there... and embarrassingly large stacks of money.

EARLY: You throw a monkey wrench into my dealings in any way, your body is forfeit. Ain't nothing but a body to me. And I can find all unseemly manner of use for it.

EARLY: I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though. I have a mighty roar.

SIMON: You're out of your mind.
EARLY: That's between me and my mind.

EARLY: You oughta be shot. Or stabbed. Lose a leg. To be a surgeon, you know? Know what kind of pain you're dealing with. They make psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get certified, but they don't make a surgeon get cut on. That seem right to you?

EARLY: People don't appreciate the substance of things. Objects in space. People miss out on what's solid.

RIVER: I'm not on the ship. I'm in the ship. I am the ship.

EARLY: Then who exactly are we talking to?
RIVER: You're talking to Serenity. And, Early... Serenity is very unhappy.

EARLY: Where'd she go?
SIMON: I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a space ship.

EARLY: That's somewhat unsettling.

EARLY: You folks are all insane.
SIMON: Well, my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

RIVER: I know you have questions.
MAL: That would be why I just asked them.

EARLY: You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport. Yet by far the most troublesome.

WASH: What about his face? Is his face wearing armor?

WASH: Can I mop your brow? I am at the ready with the fearsome brow-mop.

SIMON: Okaaay. I'm just gonna pass out for a minute, but you're doing great.

MAL: Air he had left I'd say his chance would have to be one in... a very large number.